Duplicitous 2 by Tristan Rees-Davies

“They told me I couldn’t put Michael McIntyre in prison for telling jokes about my hair- well nobody is laughing now are they?”

“Definitely not. If you’re just joining us now, we have Prime Minister Theresa May here with us on ‘We agree with you’. Prime Minister, how does it feel to start your 5th term?”

“Well John, I can tell you that it’s really satisfying to once again be living in a country where everyone has the same, core British values. I truly feel that the Great Britain we all once knew is back, and in many ways born again. I just can’t remember the last time I had to read or hear an opinion I didn’t agree with or see anything on television that in anyway opened my horizons or made me uncomfortable.”

“Can you point to a particular policy or movement that really exemplifies this, or say what brought us to this place?”

“Well, I think the country is now at a place where everyone agrees with me so I think I can speak candidly here.”

“We all agree with you”

“Thanks John, I suppose what I’m trying to say is that back when this process started, we had to be very careful. It was almost like Great Britain was a candle flame, it needed to be protected from the prevailing winds of the times. Winds that many listeners will remember as being quite multicultural and not all of them right wing.

We couldn’t have come out and said ‘we should send them all home’, that would not have had enough traction straight off the bat, it had to be couched in such a way that only the leftest of lefties could have disagreed with us.”

“For our younger listeners, could you extrapolate on what you did say, at the time?”

“Extremism. That was the word. It was a very powerful image. There had been wars in the Middle East, as there still are but with many non-whites living in Britain, they very nearly had a voice here. What we had to do was to tie the extreme events of those wars to the seemingly ordinary people living amongst us that simply didn’t agree with our longterm economic plan”

“That sounds like quite a gap to close”

“Oh it was. Some of the people weren’t even foreign, so it began gradually. First we gave ourselves new powers to tackle terrorists. Then we changed “terrorist” to “extremist”- I think that was the coup de grace because the word terrorist was quite obviously defined, but extremist was a bit more flexible”

“Can you expand on that?”

“Yes, we just expanded the definition of extremism slowly over time until no one was left to oppose me. I mean us.”

“Thank you for your time Prime Minister. Next on ‘We Agree with you’, the National Anthem.”

~ Tristan Rees-Davies, 2015



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